And even then, I felt robbed of my innocence. We had entered a whole new phase of our adolescence, the phase of sexual curiosity, and we wanted to learn and experience more. However, I had also developed a crippling fear of relationships and a supreme anxiety surrounding the very idea of sex. I believed that God was judging me, and when I would masturbate at night, I thought He was watching me in shame. I knew sex only as an act between two married people when they wanted to have a baby. I would pray for Him to release me of my desire. I turned down boy after boy who wanted to take me out because I felt like they were attacking me.
I began touching myself, masturbating at night and thinking about the older men on the chat room who wanted to do all kinds of dirty things to me. These days, now that I have surpassed my adolescence, have moved away from my conservative town, and have grown out of my conservative way of thinking, I understand that masturbation is healthy, sex is natural, and that, as a little girl wanting to know more, I was following my built-in biological instincts. Even though I voluntarily logged onto that chat room every day, I felt preyed upon, taken advantage of, and disrespected. But that evening, our eyes were opened as Jennifer introduced us to the process of having digital sex. It can be caused by many factors including sexual abuse and strict religious convictions regarding sex. I am, however, a year-old virgin. A friend asked me about it once: To make it worse, I was attending a conservative church that consistently preached purity and abstinence. I stopped visiting that site, but my insecurities, my fear of men, and my extreme guilt grew tenfold. I resented the boys who had crushes on me. However, I had also developed a crippling fear of relationships and a supreme anxiety surrounding the very idea of sex. It became our favorite game and our biggest secret. Jennifer was the only one of us who met this qualification, but she went right in. I am now simply a late bloomer. I have to deeply care about someone to hold their hand. And even then, I felt robbed of my innocence. We were intoxicated by the naughtiness of it and amazed by this new world to which we had been completely ignorant. We all ended up standing around the household computer, Jennifer in charge. I would get home from school, hole up in my room, and pretend to be a much older, much sexier, much more experienced woman. I would sob and beg for forgiveness. I just recently learned that there is a term for this: You know what we should do? I came to believe that all men treated women like that. I would pray for Him to release me of my desire. I knew sex only as an act between two married people when they wanted to have a baby. Soon, I began visiting the chat room on my own.
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